Ever want to just be understood? When you talk things out loud you want someone to commiserate with you, understand where you’re coming from. If you say you’re tired because of your children, let’s say, you’d hope that your partner is on the same train and understands why you feel the way you do.
I made a mention of something that I think that we could’ve done better to my husband tonight and instead of understanding where I was coming from, I heard, “Well, if you’re that tired, maybe you should stay at a hotel.”
I guess it doesn’t sound so awful because you’re not in my head. In my head, I not only feel like he doesn’t think I can be a good mother, but he also doesn’t get the fact that I love my kids. I have so much fun with them. All I said was that we could’ve done better on some things.
Ok, maybe I was at fault, but when I hear things like, “I don’t complain because they’re my babies,” I feel like he’s comparing himself to me. I might be extremely ridiculous in thinking like this, but it’s always a comparison when we argue.
I always feel like he’s trying to show me up. Like he’s a better parent because he doesn’t complain about getting tired or being tired even though it affects his health overall. It’s like to him, being tired is a sign of weakness. I’m not afraid to say I’m tired because I know the value of rest, but when it’s used as ammunition or for something to come up later when he says, “Well, I do everything around here,” I have to always be on my game.
That fucking sucks. I have to be on my game for work and on my game for home so that I don’t end up in a predicament I don’t want to be in. It’s horrendous sometimes.
Today I saw a TikTok of Eva Longoria complaining about how it sucks that the next day you have to do things to “make it a day” all over again. Yes, it’s true. You have to do something every day. But why? In the grand scheme of things, we have been here for a smidgen of time compared to let’s say the Dinosaurs and we have made up these rules and laws about how we’re supposed to manage our lives. These things make us stressed and go crazy. For what? For a legacy?
It’s incredible to me how much we think we matter in this world. We’ll be gone in a blink of an eye. Sure our kids will be around to bask in the glory of knowing their parents did white collar jobs so they could live a cushy life. Sometimes, I just don’t see the point.
I’m not perfect. I’m not. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and where I’ve been, but I don’t want to have to have the stress of holding myself to a standard, to be like everyone else, to have someone laugh and say, “You do you,” but with an added eye-roll, kind of like saying, “Sure, sure. You’re doing it all wrong, but sure.” I don’t care about that and I never have.
Sometimes I just want to voice my opinions and be heard. I don’t want a snarky comeback because in 100 years it won’t matter. At the moment it does and that’s what we’re really living for, right?